Taylor Tracker: Lee & Melissa's Adventures

I know full well, that feeling alone/trapped, and abandoned in challenging circumstances can be incredibly wearing on the soul. When there’s nothing inside to give and the fight is personal - we push for freedom, simplicity amidst the chaos, and as much laughter as I can get (I’ve found it to be free so far).

These ways have been woven throughout my past 3-4 days heavily. Wondering how long this bout of pain and internal weakness/confusion might last and being very unsure as to how to navigate through this can be enough of a burden to tame the soul, creating in me a desire to be free with no avenue save what I can find from within. It’s hard work to find simplicity (to simply “believe”) and walk with confidence amidst the chaos of accepting my circumstances as part of the bigger story, and being willing to move on with hope and not fear past the moment. But it’s available - I can feel it in my bones again.

I was utterly lost, and my “limited beliefs” shadowed my ability to hope, or be motivated to keep going. Very hard to surrender. I literally had nothing to contribute to the fight, or even my own fight. I was helpless and wounded, unable to escape the calamities that come along with constant/chronic physical pain and added symptoms from my “final” detox off my last med set of meds. But a seed lay within my soul, that if I listened and watered, would either grow root of anger, or hope, peace, freedom, love, and belief. 

• + How does one navigate to peace and the ability to say “all is well with my soul” regardless of circumstances?

We need each other. Sometimes just to sit with - other times to lead or follow. I was gifted recently with the ability to connect with a dear friend and hermano, Drew Field and family, which gave me exactly what I needed to get through today.

Fear is vision without hope - or excitement without breath, so I’ve heard. But peace, I know (thankfully) once again can be independent from our circumstances. It is a gift that came to me when I stopped fighting and surrendered. 

I’m grateful to know that we can surrender and be carried, palms up, and at ease within our soul. I’m beginning to believe (which is much of my work to be had) - that all can be reversed and I can live fully without having the circumstances be required to change. For now, I have grace for today. The fire is back in my belly.

With each other, we’ll be fine. With God in me and with belief & trust on the rise, I live fluidly through the next moments while “all is well with my soul”. And for that, I’m grateful for today.

As I try to do the same - I’d love to get your response to any of these questions:

• + Do you believe that you (all of you, the full catastrophe of the good, bad, and the ugly) are enough even amidst your circumstances?
• + How have you found hope, and held onto it amidst difficulty?
• + Are you able to trust the ebb and flow of life yet, trusting that each moment is fresh and the only thing making us unavailable to the fullness of life from The Source within us, is our limiting beliefs?
• + Are you free? And if not, what is it that you need to be free, now at this time?

Godspeed.

//Lee

Having written the first description of our blog, I wanted to share what the purpose is of this repurpose with brevity: “(We’re) Inviting you to go behind some of the appearances to unwrap the essence of our experiences.” There is a gift in writing vulnerability to others, namely, that we get the gift of seeing the grace in our lives for a 2nd and 3rd time - like most good things in our life, which happen more by grace than by intention. We’re tickled that some of you would stop by and share with us from a distance.

//Lee

P.S. Speaking of vulnerability: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

There comes a time when one must begin to count the number of trees passed, rocks climbed, with the end in mind once the humanly limits begin to kick in. One must ask “how long?” - and we hope soon to simply know; that all may be well within our soul. But it’s death, so I’ve learned. The focus on the end result as to when our current circumstances that cry I need rest makes the mind focus on the outcome - getting past the current pain in order to be able to rest. But what if there is no end in sight? And moreso, there is physical evidence that the pain will continue - probably for what most traditional-Western doctors may believe. Just from what we see - there is no end in sight. But how much this darkness begins to consume hope and eat at it’s every corner until we get into the cycle of pain (almost like PTSD where we physiologically experience it again as if for the first time).

Through the past year, this has been my our experience heavily over the past year with my pain having increased and caused other related symptoms. We’ve been fighting for hope each day with everything we’ve got. And in our pursuit, I’m realizing that I have great room for more belief, acceptance, forgiveness, and gleaning on God’s perfection in nature and the gift of life all around me. Through a game of trying out doctors and specialists, we’ve landed a core team that has surrounded us and assisted in taking on the journey of healing. An adventure it as been, indeed. The “full catastrophe of living” has been our life. Full. The core of what we stake claim in with life (such as beliefs, truths we hold onto, faith, our identity) has been challenged to its core. We’ve faced several weeks and months of ups and downs throughout each day.

Amidst this process of pursuing hope, and wondering how people keep it in such dyer circumstances, I’ve had the gift of finding (thanks to my team…of family and physicians) my will-power again. I sense a shift taking place as I learn about the anatomical mysteries and perfect complexity that God and nature surround us with. I’ve learned that we cannot wait to live, to pursue uplifting the dignity of our fellow brothers and sisters for a better day, for a day when the pain is gone or at least enough where I feel it is manageable on my own. In fact, the reverse is happening, and I think it’s the shift towards healing that is absolutely necessary for me as I strive to leave this experience of living in pain for the past decade (much of my life). 

I am to search in my soul to feel the love and joy and peace of God within my heart. To recognize that He is inside me, and not some other force outside that I have to plead to and cry out to for relief when the pain shouts out louder than my own voice. When it owns me. Ugh, I loathe these times. But it’s my battle - and I’m grateful to begin to see it as a gift that is shaping me and tuning my soul into the way that nature, people, and life need in me…the best of me. As of late, the pain has gotten the best of me. But not for much longer.

I am digging deep into the full experience of all weighty things that one deals with amidst physical, emotional, and mental suffering in this life. I’m pursuing therapies I never would have given a thought to in the past. We’re praying and asking God to be enough, within us. To simply be enough. And I pray this for you, for the ones I pass on the sidewalks of San Diego, and to my brothers and sisters across the world who are hurting, and in need of being rescued.

I’m beginning to believe (thanks for the help of Dr. Mark K.) that the way to healing is going through my pain instead of around it. I can no longer treat the symptoms. I’ve been challenged to sit with it when it becomes increasingly unbearable, and to “invite it into my adventure” as a part of my life so that it can quiet down in the midst of the bigger me; the real me who is not defined by pain and suffering. A soul that dreams of better days and has grown in sensitivity to empathizing with many I never would have noticed before all of this. I think the healing will be in my story, and will come from within my soul but take healthy root in my physical body and compromised immune/muscular/skeletal system. I am to dig in and ask it what it needs. What is keeping it here, and what do I need to hear from it in order to let it pass? 

The story continues, and Meliss and I (and my family all around) push forward towards hope and belief, and trust and courage…and open palms ready to receive. We posture ourselves now to embrace this fight by surrendering to the pain (physically) but by asking God to heal our hearts and help me “re-tune” my subconscious with truth and life-giving belief. 

May we all live freely and peacefully with God bearing space within the walls of our soul and having a voice that grows us from the inside out…towards healing and hope. Godspeed.

For the facts, today I again arrived at the ER due to some symptoms of internal bleeding. Thankfully Meliss advocated for me to go. And sure enough, they caught an internal bleed and admitted me in preparation for a possible blood transfusion tomorrow while running some other tests and procedures.

But there’s more happening than meets the eye, and I need remind myself as often as I can of this.

Indeed, it’s been a long time coming that we’ve dreamed of better days, where pain is distant and the dreams we imagined to be beautiful in that.

Though I need observe from this hospital bed the beauty that surrounds me in simple interactions with the people here. Each one having a story and bringing to me the possibility of hope, light-heartedness, and a place to share the burden. For encouraging dreams and wanting to help push their trajectory into whatever brings goodness and life into their story. Maybe it’s simply remembering that we have the ability in who we are to remind people their story is significant.

I lie here not in problem, but in an opportunity. And these words are so that I’ll have proof to remember this whenever it gets tough again.

We say with much appreciation that we are grateful for your prayers and support, my friends.

I’m expressing my thoughts not so much for anyone else other than myself. I’m deciding to make a note that, like Acts 1:3 reveals the many convincing proofs that Jesus is still alive. I say this because only 3 days ago, I was at my lowest point with pain’s defeat (physically and mentally) since 2004 at the Rosomoff Pain Clinic (though it got better from there!). In that lowest point, I honestly wrestled with God because my pain invoked short-sidedness. In that moment, I had a hard time trusting God when my world seemed broken and the pathway unclear. The things I could see and feel only shouted (and did so quite “loudly”) that there was no hope. I couldn’t see past a very rough doctor’s appointment and the news that was given. The pain was high enough that I wasn’t functional. And I asked God but heard no answer; at least not when I felt I absolutely needed it. But it was shortly thereafter where I felt God’s power within me. From a few interesting events of conversation out loud with Melissa, some great care from my physician and acupuncturist, and a few other things

“And surviving droughts, I wish you wealth. Wait a minute - hold up, ‘surviving droughts I wish you wealth?’ How sick am I? I wish you health, I wish you wheels, I wish you wealth.” - Jay-Z (“American Dreamin”) [audio:http://www.taylortracker.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Jay-Z-American-Dreamin-Live-American-Gangster.mp3|titles=Jay-Z - American Dreamin Live (American Gangster)]

This time around the dark bend, I’ve found hope in letting Jay-Z’s perspective settle in close. When it hurts, we’re brought to ponder the bigger, deeper, and dearer things in our lives. And aside from my soul naturally beating to Jay’s Flow, the words moved me. It was an adjustment of perspective than what he naturally had. He was better because he remembered empathy from somewhere. And then wished us “wheels”. We all need wheels I think. I know I need them right now. I’m literally doing everything I (we) can to get past this intensity of pain - physically, emotionally and spiritually. But now, while my soul connects differently with this world while fitting into the “uncomfortability” of pain, I’ll allow Jay-Z and the closest friends (that have asked to be on the “inside”) to me hold me up, and lean into what life is to be had while doing this all together like that. Though I don’t know the fullness of how bad this can get, and how immensely my head and body disagree with this:  I dare say that with God, and the dear ones here to us, we may be prepared to face anything. Take a quick listen (or two) - and catch you again soon.